For Good?

With my headphones curled around my ears, I listen to the song “For Good” from Wicked and reflect on the past few months.

“It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.”

I haven’t engaged in eating disorder behaviors for a few months now and when it comes to the eating disorder (ED), I hope that we will never meet again in this lifetime.

Yet, I’m not going to tell you that I wish I never met ED.

I don’t know if I’ve been changed for the better.

“But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.”

Being friends with ED was destructive, yes.

Being friends with ED has changed me.

I learned how to return to school after having a panic attack during a test.

I learned how to apologize for the mistakes I’ve made.

Yes. I learned how to rip myself apart, but I also learned how to take a breath and sew the pieces back together.

Empathy. Resilience. This is what I’ve learned.

To know how to love, and how to bounce back from pain.

I found the worst in myself. Soon, I’ll be able to see the best and the worst and everything in-between.

Even if I haven’t been changed for the better, there have been good changes that came from dealing with something difficult.

I think I will be changed not necessarily for better, but for good.